IMPART BOOKS

striving to impart knowledge throughout the world.

All books Mentioned in this web site  may be

A) Borrowed from your  Public Library

B) Purchased through a bookseller

C) If you are lucky  bought from a Charity shop selling books

	Excerpts from GULL   IVER'S    RAMBLINGS
	by Alick Hartley Published by Impart Books     ISBN 1 874 155 53 4

The territory of Rockitania    The future status of GIBRALTAR.

Voter apathy or just frustration ?    Why so many people don't bother to VOTE.

Rumour of transfer    Is there any truth in the rumour that Buttercup Comprehensive are paying Sunflower High School seven million pounds transfer fee for their Head of Mathematics ?

Carbon dioxide emission "Excuse me, Chief, but isn't it time that we did something towards the Carbon dioxide emission target set for us by Monsieur B Russels ?"

"Don't worry, Dafydd, it's all under control. By opening up parcel delivery to free competition, instead of just one Royal Mail van driving round the country, we now have five or six parcel delivery vans racing round the country. I seem to see a new logo everyday. That should help towards our carbon dioxide target. If that doesn't do the trick, we'll soon be opening up the letter delivery service to private competition as well, so that should help."

Countryside paths    "Good morning, C.M. This morning, I heard two reports on Radio 4. The first said that most farmers' incomes have decreased drastically, in fact, some have become negative. They desperately need some additional income. The second said that ramblers and other users of country paths are complaining because country paths are not maintained properly and gates and stiles are in disrepair. Some paths are even deliberately obstructed by the farmers concerned. Can't we do something about it?"

"Thank you, Helen, but that's got nothing to do with us. We're only governing the country, we don't run it."

The introduction of the metric system    Circa 1965 Henceforth all school examinations will be taken in metric units and not 'Imperial measures'. Every school in the country spent thousands of pounds replacing their 'Imperial measure' textbooks by metric textbooks, destroying the old textbooks.

For 30 years, employers complained about the standard of education because youngsters did not even know how many pounds there were in a stone or feet in a yard.

Circa 2001 A shopkeeper was fined for using pounds weight to sell vegetables.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Bonjour, pardon, I mean good morning. I would like to buy some of that material. Do you sell it in yards or in metres?"

"Oh, metres. I could be severely fined now, if I sold it to you in yards. Yards and miles were in Imperial Measure. The only people who are still using Imperial Measure are the Americans. Of course, they left the Empire in 1776."

- - - - - - - - - -

"Excuse me, monsieur policeman. Does that sign there with the 30 in a circle really mean that I have to keep below 30 kilometres an hour?"

"Oh, no, sir. It means below 30 miles per hour."

«  Brigitte, ces Anglais sont imbéciles. »

Social Justice    "Excuse me, C.M., but when is the Party going to do something about its long standing commitment to the redistribution of wealth from the richest to the poorest ?"

"Don't worry, Amina. It's all under control. Every week, the national lottery is producing several millionaires - sometimes the winners get 3 millions or even up to 14 millions. There are television quiz shows doing the same sort of thing. It's possible for some one with a good memory to 'earn' half a million or a million in one evening. I believe that I heard one winning teacher say that he had won more money that evening that he could earn in three months for his normal work."

"But, C.M., isn't all that taking money from poorer people and making more very rich people ? Isn't the redistribution of wealth going the wrong way ?"

"When the party started, did they say in which direction the redistribution of wealth had to go ?"

"But, C.M., what about the Protestant Work Ethic which was one of the foundations on which Socialism was built?"

"I'm sorry, Amina, but I've absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I've never heard of either the Protestant Work Ethic or Socialism. They sound to me a bit like the weird ideas that Old Labour had. We abandoned those some time ago. You really must get up to speed. Mind you, with your public-spirited and altruistic ideas, I really wonder whether you wouldn't be more at home in another party."

This morning's snippet    A government committee reported that 10% of operating theatre time was being wasted due to staff shortages, particularly the surgeon taking annual leave at very short notice. They said that, if hospitals adopted 'best practice', they could achieve the target of 90% usage of operating theatre time. I actually heard the snippet twice, so I am sure that I aud it correctly,

We've got a mandate !    I don't know why, but this saying always reminds me of a very famous tipster Prince something or other who used to attend a racecourse shouting "I've got a horse". I have often wondered whether the Prince gave the names of different horses to different people in order to ensure that he always had some satisfied customers. Sorry, back to the mandate.

Whatever the C.M. decides to do, he always covers himself with "We've got a mandate." presumably referring to the last party manifesto. However, the only mandate which the majority of the electors in a particular constituency has given, the only thing indicated by a X, is for a certain person to represent them in the House of Commons.

It might be said that the certain person is the member of a certain political party so that the vote is a vote for that party with its particular manifesto. This is not necessarily true. There have been several instances of members 'crossing the floor of the House' to join another party. Those members do not ask the permission of the voters who elected them. They just decide and do it.

I believe that the correct action for the 'honourable member' to take would be to resign and then stand as a candidate for his/her new party at the consequent by-election. Of course, that is supposing that his/her new party would adopt him/her as their candidate. I don't think that there is a law against obtaining a vote by false pretences, but I have heard a rumour that one group of electors were drafting a class action to sue for compensation for being deprived of parliamentary representation. Come to think of it, if the Judge awarded a token sum of one pound to everyone who voted for the candidate, it would amount to a tidy sum!

Of course, this mandate does not work the other way round. A government may have a mandate to do something but that does not mean that it does it. For example, a government might have a mandate to ban fox-hunting with dogs, but ..............

Joined-up government    A splendid idea. Pity that the Inland Revenue cannot agree with Customs and Excise about when the financial year begins and ends. Perhaps the 6th April was Henry VIII's birthday, so we can't possibly change that. Of course, most businesses now do their accounts on computers and, to the best of my knowledge, all computer accounts programs work in proper calendar months.

Big businesses no doubt have a VAT section and a PAYROLL section operating independently. However, small businesses just have one accounts section which deals with both. It is unnecessarily confusing that a wage paid on the 3rd April comes in 2001-2002 for PAYE purposes but in 2002-2003 for the company's year-end accounts.

If we can put a man onto the moon, it shouldn't be beyond the wit of man or woman to bring the two years into line.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Excuse me, C.M. If and when we adopt the Euro, on what date will that happen, the 1st April or the 6th April?"

"That will have to be agreed with the European Central Bank. I should imagine that it might be 14th July."

What do people really want?    My impression is that most people want basic services - usually monopolies - to be either national, county or municipal. Basic services include the NHS, state education, everything requiring networks (the telephone system, the railway network, the water supply, the gas supply), air traffic control, police, social services. Other enterprises - businesses - which are not basically monopolies can be open to free market competition.

What were we given ?

Well, the 1945 government started off very well. They nationalised all the basic services, but later they got carried away and nationalised almost everything in sight. Fortunately for me, they did not get round to my rusty old bike.

Then the next lot spent time and money privatising much that had been nationalised, except that the railway network, which pre-war had been just four regional companies, was divided into I don't know how many different companies. Ask the general public what they think about our railways.

And we are still pressing on with the idea that 'public' must be inefficient and bad whereas 'private' must be efficient and good. Surely the ethic behind a 'service' is quite different from the ethic behind a 'business'. The first should aim to maximise the service provided to the public, the second aims to maximise the profits and the dividends paid to the shareholders. If state or municipal services do not produce the best results, then the fault lies with the man or woman at the top and the philosophy of the workers.

Celebration?    "Excuse me, C.M., but, after the meeting this morning, I overheard some of our backbenchers muttering something about a booze-up in a brewery. Are we having a celebration? What have we got to celebrate?"

'Share-a-dog'    How an elderly loner and a dog can support each other.

Communicating with Whitehall    This morning, during an interview, the interviewee said that she had written to a Government department and RECEIVED A REPLY. We hear so many people say that they have written to one Government department or another, but not received a reply, that to hear that someone had received a reply came as a bit of a shock. Mind you, it might have made a difference that the interviewee who received the reply was Her Majesty the Queen! (Beg pardon, Your Majesty, no disrespect intended. PLEASE don't send me to the Tower. I'm not supposed to eat beef.)

The joys of communicating with the Government.

Proportional representation    "Excuse me, C.M., but I'm a little worried about the Hawkvale by-election which isn't far away. The latest opinion poll shows that the far right Grammatical party stand a good chance of winning. The results of the poll gave Conservative 20%, Grammatical 30%, Lib Dem 22% and New Labour 28%. It would be dreadful if the Grammatical party got in. We would have to start saying 'Try to do something' instead of 'Try and do something', 'procrastination' instead of 'prevarication' when we mean 'delay doing something', talk about 'railway stations' instead of 'train stations' and 'moving quickly' instead of 'moving fast'. We wouldn't be able to use a preposition to end a sentence with and we wouldn't be able to legally split an infinitive, whatever one is. We would have to learn spelling, grammar and punctuation. It just doesn't bear thinking about."

"On the 'first past the post system', the Grammaticals will be elected. I know that it only affects about 90 thousand people, but it sets a precedent for the whole country. I wonder if we shouldn't have adopted proportional representation by a single transferable vote as recommended by the Lib Dems."

"I don't see what George has got to do with it, Rosemary. P.R. is a useful ploy to keep the Lib Dems on our side when things are a bit dodgy, but I wouldn't even contemplate it when we've got an overwhelming majority."

"But C.M., in the old days when the Conservatives were on the right, the Lib Dems in the centre and Labour on the left, P.R. would have elected the Lib Dems. But now with the Conservatives on the right, ourselves New Labour and the Lib Dems on the left, if the Conservative candidate was eliminated, all those votes would come to us. We're as safe as houses."

"Perhaps you're right, Rosemary, but there is always tactical voting. If all the conservatives vote New Labour and all the New Labour people vote conservative, everything will turn out all right. Anyway, cobber, if the Grammaticals did get in, they would have an uphill fight now that all our TV channels have been sold to an antipodean millionaire, true dinkum they would. Bye now!"

Road Tax, Petrol and Insurance    Some people don't bother about road tax or motor insurance.

Saving for retirement    "Good morning, C.M. The insurance companies are very worried that people are not saving enough for retirement. They think that we ought to encourage them to pay more into a pension scheme."

"Well, we've made a good step forward, Alison. We've changed the taxation rules slightly so that insurance companies can no longer recover the tax paid on the dividends which they receive on behalf of their customers. This means that to get the same level of pension, people have to pay higher premiums, so we ARE encouraging people to pay more into a pension scheme."

"But, C.M., I thought that the idea was for people to receive bigger pensions so that there would be less need for help from the state."

"Oh well, Alison, they'll just have pay even more."

- - - - - - - - - -

"Hello, Charlie, how's ta bin?"

"Fair to middling, Bert."

"Charlie, if you don't mind me asking, how much a month are you putting aside for use when you retire?"

"Nay, lad, don't be sa daft. Nowt. I know so many people who have worked hard all their lives, grabbing as much overtime as they could get and living frugally, then they've finished up worse off than the people who have taken it easy and squandered all their money. So many of the benefits are means tested that it just doesn't pay to save. People won't be inclined to save seriously until all benefits are universal."

"I see where you are coming from, Charlie, but wouldn't that mean giving money to people who don't really need it?"

"Yes, Bert, but if all benefits were subject to the tax system, you could easily clobber those REALLY rich people through taxation."

National Leaders    The qualities which make a good national leader.

Television licences    Why do we have television licences?

The Upper House    Suggestions for the replacement of the House of Lords.

Electricity, Gas and Water    Comments on these SERVICE industries..

The Mail Service    The future of Royal Mail

Rolling elections    Do we really want elections only every FIVE years?

School Sports    "C.M., I'm glad to see that you are going to encourage school sports again."

"Yes, Tommy, the problem of childhood obesity is becoming very serious. When all teaching is done by computer, the pupils won't even have the exercise of raising their hands to answer a question."

"C.M., it's a pity that so many schools had to sell off their playing fields because they were short of money. Also so many teachers lost interest in out-of-school activities when one Government minister told the public that teachers only work a six hour day!"

"Nevertheless, Tommy, it's a good idea. We will just have to set schools a target and leave it to each Head to wave his/her magic wand."

Moonlighting    "Good morning, C.M. It is well known that quite a few M.P.s are also members of the Welsh Assembly or the Scottish Parliament. Does this mean that being a member of Parliament is just a part-time job? When I was a teacher, before I became a reporter, I would have found it absolutely impossible to hold down a job in London and simultaneously one in Cardiff or Edinburgh. I appreciate that some members supplement their meagre pay by several directorships, but two government jobs, paid by the taxpayer, seems to be a little different. Perhaps this partly accounts for the majority of empty seats that we see when we watch parliament on television."

Salary awards    "Good morning, Minister. Some time ago, the teachers were awarded an increase in pay, but Heads were told that the total expenditure on salaries had to remain the same. That meant that teachers either had to teach more lessons per week or teach bigger classes. Now that we have awarded ourselves a substantial pay increase, will you be reducing the number of members and constituencies so that members will have to take care of more constituents?

"Don't be silly, Cedric. There is no similarity between ourselves and teachers. We're important. In any case, we have to set an example to all the other spending departments on how to control their expenditure."

Immigrants

From what I hear, our railways are the worst in Europe, we are sending NHS patients to France for treatment, we are importing doctors from Spain and nurses from the West Indies, we work longer hours than the rest of Europe, our prices are higher than they are in the rest of Europe. Would someone please explain to me why so many immigrants are trying to get into the UK instead of staying in France or somewhere else in Euroland?

The only possible explanation that I can see is that we don't have identity cards, but perhaps I'm wrong, as usual.

"We don't even talk the same language."    The problems of communication.

Family values    How to promote morality.

Justice? Not proven    Is Scottish justice better than English justice?

Smoking    "Good morning, C.M. I am very worried that we are not making much progress in discouraging smoking. Smoking does save us a lot of money in old age pensions, but it costs us very much more in NHS care than we save in that direction. The problem is particularly acute with young girls."

"I agree, Gwyneth, but we have banned the advertising of cigarettes - except for the special case of motor racing. What more can we do?"

"Well, I think that it is of little value to ban advertising on television when many of the leading female characters in the 'soaps' are puffing away to their heart's content - and peril! Could we, without introducing open censorship, somehow discourage smoking in all 'soaps'? Of course, we would still see smoking in old films, but eventually people would be saying "That must be an old film. Marilyn is smoking." "

"Very well, Gwyneth, see what the television companies say. I suppose they are not owned by the big tobacco companies, are they?"

	Excerpts from GULL   IVER'S    RAMBLINGS
	by Alick Hartley Published by Impart Books     ISBN 1 874 155 53 4

Reminiscences of World War II       Films depicting World War II

Reorganising hospitals    "Good Morning, Wendy. I've got some ideas for reorganising our hospitals."

"But, C.M., considering the amount of finance and support that we don't give them, I thought that our hospitals were doing remarkably well. Most of my friends won't have a word said against them."

"That's exactly why we've got to reorganise them - on the same lines as the railways."

"But, C.M. I thought that their lines were too busy already. Oh, sorry, now I see what you mean, but how exactly would it work?"

"We will privatise all the departments, spread amongst many different companies. The Maternity Department would be operated - no, 'run' might be a better word - by Synthetic Baby Foods Ltd, the Geriatric Department and the Intensive Care Department by Lifelong Annuities PLC, the Orthopaedic Department by Artificial Limb Producers, the Oncology Department by Deathwish Tobacco Inc, the Cardiac Department by Olympic Pacemaker Producers and the Haematological Department by the Vampires Society. Also Anaesthetics will be handled by a subsidiary of Gasbrit as an optional extra, chargeable, of course. That should save the NHS quite a lot of money."

"Very good, C.M.. I'll set it in train immediately and make sure that everyone is on the right track."

Capitalism or Socialism    Thoughts about capitalism and socialism.

The strong pound    I'm sorry that I am so ignorant. I was born that way and I become more ignorant every year. This morning, for the 3275th time, I heard somebody blaming the strong pound for all their problems. It was also implied that all the problems would disappear if we abandoned pounds and adopted Euros.

Could someone please explain to me, in very simple English, why the strong pound means that we cannot sell our goods and services? Is a stick any longer if it is measured in feet then when it is measured in metres? Yes, the number of feet will be more than the number of metres, but the actual length will be the same. Is the capacity of the petrol tank of my car any greater if I fill it with so many gallons than if I fill it with so many litres?

Surely the real reason why we cannot sell our goods and services is that our prices are too high, in whatever currency they are expressed. If the pound is strong, too high, then we have to sell things for less pounds. If our prices are too high, it must be because the natural resources we have are not as favourable as those elsewhere or our systems are not as efficient as those elsewhere or our wages and salaries are too high, perhaps especially those of the so called 'fat cats'.

Please remember that if the government insists that the value of the pound goes down, so will the value of my hard earned pension. Have pity on me!

I am not suggesting that there are no advantages in adopting the Euro. Obviously, it would be helpful when we are on holiday and for business transactions. On the other hand, we would lose control of our base interest rate, the subject of a Bank of England meeting every month, I believe. Control of the interest rate was passed to the Bank of England so that it would be independent of the prevailing Government. If we adopted the Euro, that control would pass to the European Bank.

International Trade    The trading situation of Yewkaymia

Civil rights    Frequently, we hear that doing this, that or the other might impinge on the civil rights of alleged culprits, perhaps 5% of the population. Is there an organisation which sticks up for the civil rights of the innocent 95% of the population, the right to walk the streets or just live in their own homes without the fear of being robbed, injured or killed?

The adoption of the Euro    "Good morning, C.M. The Euro Bureau has reported that for eight minutes between 0215 and 0218 this morning, the U.K. economy passed the five economic criteria. Of course, conditions have changed even since this morning, as they can change at any time, even after we have joined. Some countries in Euroland have already discovered that the Euro bank rate does not suit their trading conditions. Do you still wish to proceed with the plan to sneak in a referendum on the Euro when the attention of the public is diverted onto the Golden Jubilee?"    "Definitely, Clarissa. I expect that 60% of the population will be sincerely celebrating the Jubilee and 30% will just be using it as an excuse for a mammoth binge."    "What about the other 20%, C.M.?"    "Oh, they will be fully occupied in a protest march campaigning for the abolition of the monarchy. If we convince the voters that Euro is a new brand of Lager being offered at BOGOF, we will be home and dry."

Single faith schools or multi-faith schools    Are single faith schools a good idea?

Plastic bullets    Should our police service use plastic bullets?

Agriculture    The future of British farming.

Prevention is better than cure    Can we do anything to take care of our own health?

Prevention is better than war    Can ANYTHING be done to prevent wars throughout the worlds?

The right to privacy    "Good morning, C.M. I am glad to hear that you have proposed a law to prevent the unauthorised use of DNA samples. It would be dreadful if a husband could know the identity of the father of his wife's baby. It's really got nothing to do with him, has it? It's purely his wife's business. Of course, he might be slightly suspicious if the new baby had brown eyes and big feet whereas their other children had blue eyes and small feet, but that's no reason why he should be allowed to know for certain one way or the other."

Disagreement and evil    There is no question that there is evil in the world. But just because you disagree with someone else, if your beliefs are different from theirs, it does not mean that they are evil. Perhaps you might regard them as intellectually blind - or it might be you, yourself, that is intellectually blind.

Democracy, what democracy?    "Good morning, C.M. Can you spare a few minutes to talk about the electoral system?"

"Come in, Sharmila. Certainly, but I don't know what there is left to talk about. I've rejected proportional representation by the single transferable vote and the crazy idea of electing one third of the members each year, what else is there?"

"Well, C.M., Ms Rosamund Schubert, another of my constituents has suggested that, whether its first past the post or proportional representation, we are still giving the electors the choice of three of more things that they don't want. She suggests that, for real democracy, we should ask the electors just what they do want."

"That sounds a bit radical, Sharmila. Anyway, I don't see how it could work. We can't possibly go round asking every elector what they want. The election would take months, if not years."

"Well, C.M., you might not have experienced it, but, at one time, many of our school examining boards used what they called 'Objective testing' or 'Multiple Choice Questions' as part of their examinations. The examinees indicated their answers by drawing horizontal lines into one of five boxes, depending on their choice of answer. Very successful, it was too."

"The multiple choice answer sheets were marked electronically, extremely quickly, accurately and cheaply. I know one Chief Examiner who even wondered whether they needed to continue with the traditional written papers as the scores produced by the 'Multiple choice questions' were so close to those produced by the traditional papers."

"Sorry, C.M. That is a diversion. Anyway, Rosamund suggests that the same system could be applied to the election. The electors would indicate what policies they want instead of which of three or more candidates, selected by the hierarchy of the party concerned, none of whom might find favour with the electors."

"I think that I follow you, Sharmila. Could you give me some examples of the questions that might be asked?""Certainly, C.M. I'll also give you the possible answers."

	A	B	C	D	E
1. Do you think that the railways should be renationalised?	yes	?	no
2. Do you think that we should replace the , by the Euro?	yes	?	no
3. Do you think that we should bring back capital punishment?	yes	?	no
4. Do you think that Wales should have a Parliament instead of An assembly?	yes	?	no
5. Do you think that parcel and mail deliveries should be the Monopoly of the Post Office (Royal Mail) ?	yes	?	no
20. Which party do you support?	Cons	Lib	New Lab

"Yes, I think I follow you. All the ballot papers would be marked electronically so that we could have all the results in less than an hour, perhaps?"

"Yes, C.M."

"But wouldn't that change the roles of Ministers and M.P.s?"

"Yes, it would. Ministers would be advising and guiding instead of dictating policy. M.P.s would be helping their constituents instead of being division fodder some of the time."

"A leading computer firm is producing a system whereby clubbers in a night club can press one of two buttons to indicate whether or not they like the so-called music being played, for example 'BOOM BOOM BOOM pause' or 'BOOM BOOM pause BOOM'. If the public can have a say in something as important as that, shouldn't the public also have a say in the future of the country?"

"Oh dear, Sharmila, I am certainly not a dictator but some of my ministers are. I'm sorry but it's just a non-starter. Perhaps you need a long holiday. Of course, the Party that calls themselves 'democrat' might introduce the idea to obtain the views of their party members." (Hint, hint)

Capital punishment, hospitals and prisons    How are capital punishments, hospitals and prisons connected with each other?

Abortion and Voluntary Euthanasia    Thoughts about abortion and voluntary euthanasia.

School administration    How many people does it take to administer a school?

Gleaned in the Park    The dangers of make-believe guns.

Recreational Drugs    The Government is concerned about the misuse of so-called recreational drugs. How much research has there been into why people, mostly youngsters, feel the need to use drugs? Most people go through bad patches. I certainly have, at one time I was suicidal. I never felt the need to take drugs. I think I kept going by throwing myself into my work, all the things that I was doing. My prop was job satisfaction. Is the lack of job satisfaction these days the root of the problem?

The Global Trading Association    I am probably completely wrong, but the impression that I get of the GTA is that it is dominated by the richer, most developed, countries to help them to sell as much as they can to those in the rest of the world who can afford to buy from them. As for the poorest countries with less natural resources, tough!

In my opinion, the organisation of trade should not just depend on who can produce things the cheapest, but also on what countries can produce. I suggest that a benevolent Global Trading Association would

1. ask each country what they can produce, for example, the West Indies might say "Sugar cane, Rum and cricketers", Brazil might say "Coffee, Corned beef and footballers"
2. find out how much the world NEEDS of each product
3. organise worldwide production and distribution on the basis that
1. priority in the allocation of the production of a certain product should be given to those countries who cannot produce anything or very little else, whether their product is the cheapest or not
2. if possible, every country can produce AND SELL at least three products, to cover the possibility of a failure in the harvest of one product
3. the distance between production and consumption should be as little as possible to minimise carbon dioxide emission

If we created a world market in which EVERY country could produce AND SELL SOMETHING, there would be less need for hand-outs which deprive the recipients of their dignity and self-respect. But NO country should restrict food production when people elsewhere in the world are starving.

Sympathy    "Hello, Gull. I am sorry to hear that you have broken your right leg. But you should be thankful, you might have been a horse."

Renewable energy sources    What are we doing about the problems caused by global warming?.

Truancy and the school curriculum    Has the school cuuriculum got anything to do with truancy?

Government finance    Rightly or wrongly, I have gained the impression that Government accounts ignore the difference between Fixed Assets and Current Assets, if they consider Fixed Assets at all. If a business man sold a computer which was 'on his books' at £250 for £250, that would produce no income. If he sold the same computer for £200, that would produce a loss or expenditure of £50.

I only suspect that, when the government privatises something, they treat the proceeds as income so that they can use the proceeds to balance against expenditure and reduce income tax. But that means that, if they wanted to renationalise the something, there is no money in the kitty to allow them to do it.

Surplus computers    The firm, for which a friend of mine works, disposed of two unwanted computers ( slower than the ones that they currently use ) by giving them to two school children who did not have a computer of any type for use at home.    They wish to encourage some organisation - perhaps a Rotary Club or Chamber of Trade - to take up the idea by encouraging their members to hand in their redundant computers for checking over and distribution to children who could make good use of them. Other outlets would be senior citizens in this country or some organisation who could despatch them for use in developing countries.

Respect and Pay    "Good morning, C.M. You wanted us to get together to produce some guidelines regarding pay settlements so as to avoid leap-frogging. You may remember that, two years ago, you set up a market research agency called Asker Scilly. Well, they have just produced their first report, about three pages long. They organised an internet e-mail survey to establish a league table of the respect that the public had for different occupations. Of course, I don't know how truly representative it is. I voted nearly two hundred times myself."

"Great, Rosemary, that sounds marvellous. I'm all for league tables. What were the results?"

"The most respected were

1. Doctors, surgeons and veterinary surgeons
2. Nurses and veterinary nurses
3. Teachers
4. Para-medics and firefighters"

The least respected were

1. Lottery jackpot winners
2. Heavyweight boxers
3. Popstars
4. Premier Footballers
5. Managing Directors
6. M.P.s"

"Fine, Rosemary. That gives us a start. I suggest:

Lottery jackpot winners		£5,000,000 for two minutes
Heavyweight boxers		£8,000,000 for one evening
Pop stars		£4,000,000 for one disc
Premier footballers		£50,000 per week
Managing Directors		£400,000 per year plus an annual bonus of £300,000 if successful and a golden handshake of £2,000,000 if the company goes bust
M.P.s		£State secret
Para-medica and firefighters		£27,000 per year
Teachers		£26,000 per year
Nurses and veterinary nurses		£25,000 per year
Doctors and veterinaries		£24,000 per year
Surgeons to repair boxers		£23,000 per year

"But, C.M., that means that the more respected people are, the less they will get paid."

"I know, Rosemary, that's just what would make it fair. People shouldn't expect to have everything, both respect and lots of money."

"But, C.M., that's just what we expect."

"I'm sorry, Rosemary, we'll have to leave it at that. I've got another appointment."

Stop press    "Good morning, C.M. Have you heard about the very generous annual bonus paid to Ms Obese Feline, the boss of By2much ? Don't you think that it is OTT when we are trying to encourage wage restraint? It's more than the GNP of some Third World countries. It would take a teacher more than ten years hard work to earn that much."

"Yes, but there is no comparison between the two, Donald. Ms Obese Feline is earning MONEY whereas school teachers are only helping to produce mature educated PEOPLE. Anyway, I've never heard of a single teacher making a unanimous donation of £200,000 to party funds."

GULL IVER RAMBLES AGAIN
Published by Impart Books     ISBN 1 874 155 54 2

This book, also written by Alick Hartley, is the follow-up to "GULL IVER'S RAMBLINGS" but is brilliantly illustrated by the award- winning young artist KIM SELENE DAVIES. (52 black-and-white illustrations.) The 74 themes covered develop the themes covered in "GULL IVER'S RAMBLINGS" published by Impart Books ISBN 1-874155-54-2
WARNING Obviously you are welcome to read the contents of this web site and to invite anyone else to do so. Nevertherless,
	all rights reserved. No part of "GULL IVER RAMBLES AGAIN" may be reproduced in any material form (including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication) without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the peovisions of the Copyright Designs and Patent Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licencing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London, W1T 4LP. Applications for the copyright owner's written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher.

---

	Excerpts from GULL   IVER    RAMBLES   AGAIN
	by Alick Hartley Published by Impart Books     ISBN 1 874 155 54 2

«« Back to Gull Iver's Page ««

The Public Service Ethos    The Directors of Grawhatyoucan Unlimited are being educated by the College of Miraculous Conversion in the Public Service Ethos, prior to taking over some of the functions of a major NHS hospital. The principal lecturers are Mr. S C Rooge (lecture fee £1000 per half-day session) and Ms M I Das (lecture fee £1500 per day session).

Coincidentally, next door to the College is the Marine Academy, in which sharks are being trained to perform tricks in the same way as dolphins. Sadly, the teaching staff of the Academy have suffered nine fatalities and numerous other mishaps.

Hardship case

ENGEXAM EXAMINATIONS BOARD - HARDSHIP APPEAL SUBJECT   Mathematics        CANDIDATE  67512     I NOITALL I demand to be given speshul consydrashun. I did not do justiss to myself in Paper Won as I was up nearly all the previous nite watching the World Cup match and replay of the 1970 match. I was unabel to take Paper Too as you eggsham bored stupidly set the paper at the same time as a crewshall world cup match. However, I can ashore yew that I new all the correct answers. I bort an eggshellent foto-copy of Paper Too for five pounds, a week before the eggsham. With the help of my teecher, I had all the rite answers written on my blotting paper. My teecher, Ms E Sillybribed, will confirm that I was eggspeckted to get an A*

Speed cameras    "Good morning, C.M. Your directive about all speed cameras being clearly visible and painted yellow has been enforced throughout the country. I have received two further suggestions on the matter."

"One member has suggested that there should be a RED line in the middle of the road wherever the road can be surveyed by a speed camera. Then people will know that, where there is no red line, they can 'safely' step on the gas."

Road Warning Maps Speedy Gonzales Ltd have produced a set of road maps indicating the position of all speed cameras. The sections of roads on which you can REALLY put your foot down are clearly marked in GREEN. Obtainable for a nominal sum from any police station each weekday between 2430 and 2515.

BOGOF (buy one, get one free) and FREEBIES    Sometimes greed is just greed, which doesn't affect other people very much. Sometimes, greed does affect other people. Some bright spark invented BOGOF, presumably in order to sell more goods. Of course, the customer is not really getting one free. If you asked a sale assistant "Can I just have the free one, please?" I'm sure you will get a very frosty, if polite answer. BOGOF simply means that you can have THEM cheaper if you but two.

But BOGOF does not help everybody, particularly oldies, many of whom live alone. These oldies might be happy to buy two bars of soap or two kitchen rolls at a cheaper price, but two pineapples or two punnets of strawberries would be no good at all. The so-called free one would, almost certainly, go bad before it could be consumed. Of course, the oldie could give the 'free' one away or have the hassle of shopping in pairs, but then some products may come in threes! Does anyone really care about the oldies?

A friend of mine ordered by mail-order two small bars of ant-repellant. He eventually received quite a LARGE parcel, which bore no resemblance to a small packet containing two small bars. He opened the parcel, steeling himself for either returning it to its sender or sending it to the rightful recipient. He found it contained a 'freebie' a very large beach towel, which to a 78 year old was no earthly good. The cost of the towel and postage on the large parcel must have been greater than the cost of the small bars and small postage on them. Why can't mail-order firms JUST supply what WE WANT at the lowest possible price?

Pass the buck    Seen hanging on a wall in the Oval Office in Washington, D.C.

Seen hanging on the wall in a house in Downing Street

Shortage of Biology teachers

In addition to the shortage of other Science teachers, there is now a shortage of Biology teachers. Some so-called teachers of Biology do not even have 'A' level Biology. Apparently, some did not reach the module dealing with gooseberry bushes, birds and bees.

When interviewed, a retired Biology teacher said that a qualified Biology teacher would be as mad as a March hare to teach in these days. He hadn't even been allowed to discipline his frogs.

Just a matter of percentages

"You know, Algernon, I just can't get these people to understand that, if they get a pay rise from five pounds an hour to siz pounds an hour, that is an increase of 20 per cent. Whereas, if my salary goes up by £50,000 a year, I'm only getting an increase of 10 per cent."

The word-processor is mightier than the sword

This book is printed in A4 format with the intention that you will place it on an A4 'copy holder'. The book does not contain instructions for the use of any particular accounts program.It assumes that you have either an I.T teacher or the necessary instructions elsewhere for the program that you are learning. Instead, it provides data for you to use in order to practice each stage in learning that program. Click Here to find out more information ISBN 1-874155-56-9 R.R.P £4.95

Books to help you test a class's understanding of a lesson
	Visual Classroom testing
Books to help you to learn or teach the ENGLISH language For people whose mother tongue is:
	ARABIC CHINESE (with Pinyin) GERMAN		BANGLA FRENCH KISWAHILI RUSSIAN
		English Picture Wordbook
	English Picture Wordbook with Phonetics
Books to help you to learn or teach other LANGUAGES:-
	ARABIC from English, French or German CHINESE / PINYIN from English FRENCH from Arabic, English or German KISWAHILI from English ROMANIAN from French		BANGLA (Bengali) from English, FRENCH from Romanian GERMAN from Arabic, English or French RUSSIAN from English
Other books to help you
	Puzzle Books to help you to practice the ENGLISH language Books to help you to learn or teach the subject STATISTICS Books to help you to learn about COMPUTERISED ACCOUNTS Books to help you to learn about simple manual ACCOUNTS A book about Wales and the WELSH people Books to help you to practice the WELSH language
<ul A romantic novel
	The Big Surprise

IMPART BOOKS
Gwelfryn, Llanidloes Road, NEWTOWN, Powys, SY16 4HX, U.K.

E-mail address : impart@books.mid-wales.net

Phone from outside U.K. +44 1686 623484
Phone from within U.K. 01686 623484

© January 2003 Impart Books
website designed by Malcolm Allaway